Mom-Talk
I noticed that since my oldest child turned three, my spelling improved faster than it did during four years of college. I can encode and decode messages to my husband, friends, and store employees quicker than Speedy Gonzales can say "Areeba."
"No," I would say to my husband, "Do not give her C-A-N-D-Y before her N-A-P."
"What?" asked my husband.
"I want candy NOW!" my daughter would yell, "and I don't want to take a nap!"
I knew my days of straight forward communication were over. From then on, my words were censored like a G-rated movie. I spoke the language only mothers understood, a mixture of innuendo, broad insinuations, and vague noncommittal expressions: Mom-Talk.
Here is a brief translation of common phrases.
| WHAT MOM SAYS: "Leave Daddy alone! He's trying to rest after a hard day's work!" | WHAT MOM MEANS: "Look at that lazy bum just laying there while I do EVERYTHING!" |
| "That's very creative! You're a great artist!" | "Yuk! What a mess! I hope the paint is washable." |
| "SHHHH. Let Mommy talk on the phone." | "Just let me have a mili-second of adult contact before I completely snap and start pushing a shopping cart filled with recyclable garbage in San Francisco and babbling the Alphabet Song on street corners while waiting for red lights!" |
| "Have a good nap, Honey. Sweet dreams." | "I'M FREE! I'M FREE!! I'M FREE!!!" |
| "Did you do a poo-poo in your diaper?" | "I'll get you back when I'm old." |
| "I've just started dinner." | "The pizza's on its way." |
| "The children are spending quality time with their father." | "If I'm quick , I can make it down the street and around the corner before the garage door slams and they know I'm gone." |
| "I love you." | "I love you." |
©1997 by Debbie Farmer, all rights reserved
Debbie Farmer is a teacher and mom
who has a degree in Creative Writing
from the University of California, Santa
Cruz. She writes a bi-weekly column
for the Bethal Island Beacon/Oakley
Gazette and
is a guest writer for the Oakley
Herald/Deer Valley Press. You can
find more of Debbie's humor on such
ezines as The Writer's Block, Random
Access Humor, Rave Review and of
course her "Me-zine!" a glorious
tribute to shameless self promotion!
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